The 5 Wedding Planning Conversations You Need to Have
There are a million blogs, wedding magazines, and “wedding planning notebooks” out there that will tell you all about the wedding planning timeline.
There are some people who will say “book your venue!” or “hire the right wedding photographer” as soon as you show them your ring.
Yes, those things are great, but you have a bit of work to do before you get to that point in the wedding planning timeline.
As a professional photographer in the wedding industry, I see a lot of weddings. Other wedding industry professionals and I can see up close what happens when a couple hasn’t done their due diligence together before planning. I met with Allissa Reimer from Altar’d Events and we chatted a bit about the most important things to do once you get engaged.
Surprise: They aren’t go buy a dress, ask your friends to be bridesmaids, or start booking your honeymoon.
Instead, you need to have some real talks with your soon-to-be spouse and your family.
Before we start, I need you to know that this might get uncomfortable. I ask you to hang in with me because I have actionable steps for you to take now that you’re engaged so you know exactly what you need to do to make sure you end up having the wedding you really want.
Talk about your budget.
The first thing to do when you sit down with your partner to talk about your wedding is having an honest conversation about budget.
UGH, I know. The hives are starting to form and the sweat is dripping already.
When Allissa told me that it was the most important thing, I had some questions, like why is budget the most important thing to talk about?
Her answer? Getting married/planning a wedding is a very adult thing to do, so now is the time to have very adult conversations.
Before you talk about how much money the wedding itself will cost, you must see how much money is actually there first.
Grab a notebook (or open your laptop) and write down answers to the following questions.
What lump sum of money exists for this wedding?
Where is the money coming from?
Will family/friends be helping you pay for this day?
Will you be taking out a wedding loan? (This is a real thing! While I don’t want people to go into debt in order to have a wedding, it’s always an option and it might actually alleviate some stress.)
Here’s an example:
$10,000 own money
$25,000 from parents
Willing to take out loan for up to $15,000
Total: $50,000
Whoa.
Now before you start thinking, That’s so much money or My wedding will cost three times that, know this.
If you are planning on inviting people to your wedding, it will cost money. If you want the people you invite to have a good experience at your wedding, it will cost a bit more.
That’s it’s important that you have this very real (and hopefully eye-opening) conversation to have before you start looking into how much things cost.
Alissa and I also chatted about the overwhelm and stress that comes with planning a wedding. Hiring a wedding planner should be something on your list no matter the size of your wedding. A good wedding planner will tell you up front if they are a good fit for you. Maybe you will need a full time planner, maybe you simply need someone to consult with you and tell you what to do next. Whatever the case may be, don’t stress. We are here to help.
Figure out your wedding day priorities.
This is another really important conversation, and it’s one that might have its challenges if you haven’t talked about it before.
Here are a few things to talk about when it comes deciding your wedding day priorities.
The Experience
What type of experience do you want to have as a couple?
Are you looking for a chill wedding day?
Are you hoping to have a stress-free wedding?
What type of experience do you want your guests to have? Do you want your guests to experience a five-course meal or do you want to do a potluck? Do you want an open bar party or something a little more low key?
The Number of Guests
Think about the number of people you think you want to be around on this important day.
Does 50 sound like a good number or do you want a big party with hundreds of people?
A small wedding will let you connect with each guest you invite, while a bigger guest list can end up being the party of the year. Before making your guest list, think about the number you are comfortable with at this point.
The Most Important Parts (to You)
There are many, many aspects of a wedding. And yes, they pretty much all cost money.
Think about your feelings on the following:
Wedding photography
Flower bouquets and arrangements
Attire for the bridal party and the guests
Venue size and location
If you aren’t sure what is important or what should be at the top of your list, look up the things people regret the most about their wedding day.
Some common regrets include not spending enough time with the people they invited, rushing through the wedding day, and, last but not least, not making photos a priority.
Consider wedding photography.
As a professional wedding photographer, I’m certainly biased, but I truly do believe in the importance of wedding photography.
However, I also know that different people have different priorities and styles.
Some couples want the fanciest photographer with the biggest name and have their wedding in magazines showcasing every detail of their day. Others want someone who can be a fly on the wall telling the story of their day with emotion.
Finding your priorities in a wedding photographer are very important because when all is said and done, your photos are what is left over from your day.
Here are some things to think about when it comes to wedding photography:
How much do you want the day documented?
Is it important for you to have a lot of formal photos with family?
Do you want photos of your guests having a good time?
Do you want wedding photos that represent who you are as a couple?
When I hear stories of couples who are unhappy with their wedding photos or they tell me they didn’t get enough photos of something or someone, it crushes me because I wish I could have helped before they had a wedding.
For me, weddings are not a photoshoot (although we do make time for photos throughout the day!).
I want each couple to do what they love on their day. Really like ice cream? Let’s schedule time to get a scoop. Did you meet at a brewery? There is no rule saying you can’t stop by with your wedding party and treat them to a beer.
Your wedding day should be about you as a couple above all else.
Decide who has the final say.
So remember when I said that the first thing you needed to do was talk about your budget? Next I said to talk priorities, which is a bit more fun.
Now I need to be real with you once again. This could be a tough conversation to have, but I am here to help you.
You need to figure out who’s deciding what.
Here’s what that means.
If I give you a thousand dollars, I personally am giving you a gift. I believe that this gift comes with no strings attached. If I am able to give you this money, I am happy to do so and release any expectations of what will happen with that money once it is no longer mine. However, I can only speak for my own feelings about gifts that I give.
This is not always the case. Although it seems simple, understanding the consequences that can come with accepting money can be a tough conversation to have.
Maybe you are a very fortunate couple and your family has been saving for this day or you have plenty of expendable income with no strings attached. You can have the day of your dreams and don’t have anyone else putting expectations on you.
However, there’s a chance that if a family member is willing to give you a chunk of money, that they may expect something in return.
For example, Dad gives you $20,000… But he wants you to have a church wedding, even though you aren’t very religious. Oh, and don’t forget his 20 friends that he will need to add to your guest list.
Or what about the parents who give $10,000 free of strings and say, “Let me know when you need more!” But the next time you ask, they want a full breakdown of each and every invoice, detailed and explained, and they don’t want to pay for a photographer or florist because they think it’s a waste of money.
And you can’t forget about family members who give some amount of money and want to pick out the caterer, because they “know a guy” and you’ll get a really good deal.
Maybe there isn’t anything actually being held over your head with the money, but you get a feeling that they might end up asking for something in return.
Look, those are four examples in five seconds. The list of things that could happen are endless.
Here’s how to make talking about the intersection of money and decisions less stressful.
Talk about it.
Before anyone else offers to give you money or before you ask, make a game plan.
Are you stuck in the mud, thinking, “Absolutely not, no one gets to tell me what to do on my wedding”? Or are you willing to say, “This family member helped me and their friends have been super supportive of us and have loved me for years, maybe I should include them too” or perhaps “We will definitely look into your friend that you recommend but in the end we are going to go what works best for us”?
Having these conversations can be very uncomfortable.
Also, real talk, there might be sacrifices to make. Be prepared to stand your ground for what you want, and be willing to either have open conversations about these things or deal with the consequences.
I’m a big believer that money shouldn’t come with strings. Help should never be given in exchange for something. But that doesn’t apply to everyone. No one wants to go into their wedding day with resentments.
In the first example earlier, Dad wants to have a church wedding in exchange for that $20,000. You do not.
Is there a middle ground? Do you cave and have a church wedding to make him happy and get the money? Or can you say, “Your friends can come but only 10 of them”?
Or would you tell him, “Thank you for your offer, Dad. We have chosen not to have a church wedding and appreciate your gesture; however, we cannot take your money with a list of requirements attached to it. We will be taking a different approach so that we can have a day that is really meaningful to us as a couple.”
It’s not easy. There’s a possibility that feelings will get hurt. When you get engaged, everyone around you begins visualizing your wedding day in their heads. They want to be a part of it. They want you to be super happy…and they want to have the day of their dreams too.
You got this. You two get to decide who has the final say.
Having pressure put on you when planning a wedding is uncomfortable (and I believe it’s unnecessary).
Maybe you have to have a longer engagement so you can save up and pay for the wedding yourself. Maybe you can choose to elope and take a photographer with you to the courthouse to avoid the stress of everyone else.
Whatever you do, I hope that you do what feels right to you as a couple. This day is about your love and commitment to be weird and grow together as two humans on this incredible journey. Try your best to stay focused on that—and remember, I got you.
This is why these first steps are so important to do before you dive deep into wedding planning.
Now I’m going to leave you with one last bit.
So far, we’ve covered:
Budget
Priorities
Making Decisions
3B: consider wedding photography
Now it’s time to figure out how to…
Create the guest list.
Start big. Write out a list of everyone you think you might want there. Then add in plus-ones and friends of friends. Add them in even if you think there’s no way they’ll actually make the cut. (Remember, they aren’t going to see this!)
Listing out all of those people will help you remember some folks who “should” be on the list but whom you might have forgotten about.
Maybe it’s really important that your high school English teacher comes because she believed in you and has been a source of empowerment your entire life. Or maybe there are some family members that are an absolute no thanks. The cool thing is that this is your day and you get to choose who you want to be there (keeping in mind my advice from the last section).
Once you have this huge list, make stars next to the ones who are most important. These are the ones who are the no-brainers. The ones you’d never consider not inviting.
Then go through the rest of the list one by one and ask yourself:
Who are your biggest cheerleaders?
Who can support you and be happy for your success without making it about them?
Who loves you with their whole heart?
Do you want people you don’t know at your wedding? Are your parents’ friends or coworkers invited?
Do all of your guests get plus-ones? Just the ones who are married? Do you have to know your guest’s partner before you give them a plus-one?
Is this a kid-friendly wedding? Is this a kid-friendly reception?
What are the family dynamics for both of your families? Anything problematic?
Who has to travel the farthest? (If people are flying from another state, country, or continent, it’s important to remember there will be a few extra steps to help make sure they get to have the experience that your other guests have that only have to drive down the street.)
With these questions—and your budget—in mind, you’ll be able to narrow down your guest list to the people who will add to your day (not take away from it).
My hope for you as a couple is that you have the best day ever. This is possible.
I want you to have a day where you get to go with the flow and no matter what happens your day is full of memorable moments of laughter and love.
I listed these steps out so that you understand that wedding planning is an emotional experience and so that you aren’t TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS into wedding planning when you realize there is a lot more to do or talk about.
Before you spend a dime—before you book a location, hire a photographer, or begin to think about decorations—have some real talks.
Get a little uncomfortable.
Get to know your partner a little more and remember that this is your day together as a couple.